Techie Humor
MSD firmly believes that every person needs the occasional laugh and that every professional situation can benefit from a little humor. While we ALWAYS take our job and our responsibilities to our clients very seriously, we never take ourselves TOO seriously. We understand that having a sense of humor and enjoying a laugh on the job helps us (and our clients) keep the right attitude for achieving maximum success. A POSITIVE ATTITUDE BRINGS ABOUT A POSITIVE PRODUCT. And, technical documentation doesn't have to give you a headache.
Thus we submit the following "HUMOR" for your
reading enjoyment. If you have a joke, anecdote, or humorous story that
is relevant to the technology community and you would like to share it with
the rest of us, we would love to hear from you. E-mail them to:
. And
please let us know the source so we can give them their due credit. ENJOY!
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See the "Sound Bites" collection by Toad at:
http://www.toadtoons.com
All "Sound Bites" cartoons are © 2003 Mike Hall.
All cartoons are © 2003 Ted Goff.
Here are some phrases you might find handy at your next Friday afternoon meeting:
* Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your
unique point of view. |
How to Resolve Office Conflicts
|
You know you work in the '90's when... 21. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. 20. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses. 19. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks. 18. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off. 17. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents. 16. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains. 15. You consider 2nd day Air Delivery and Inner-office Mail painfully slow. 14. You assume any question about whether to valet park or not is rhetorical. 13. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet. 12. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes. 11. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist anymore. 10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process. 9. You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear sweats to work. 8. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables. 7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living. 6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week. 5. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases. 4. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors. 3. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans. 2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix. And, the number one sign you work in the nineties... 1. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock. |
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers
20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.
3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers...
1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. *
(* 1. Too Damn Hard To Type With Paws.)
If automotive technology had kept pace with computer
technology over the past few decades,
1. You would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V8 and
2. It would have a top speed of 10,000 miles/hour
(160,000km/hr)
3. Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds
(14 kilos)
4. It would get 1,000 miles to the gallon of gas.
5. In either case, the sticker of the new car would be less
than $50.00.
>>GM responded, if Microsoft built Cars then...<<
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd
have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no
reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange
reason, you'd just accept this and drive on.
3. Occasionally, your car would stop and fail to restart,
and you'd have to reinstall the engine. For some
strange reason, you'd just accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time,
unless you bought a Car95 or a CarNT. But then you'd
have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun,
was twice as fast, twice as easy to drive--but would only
run on 5 percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft
upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run
much slower.
7. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would
be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea
what happened.
Please Immediately Scan Your Computer for the Following Viruses:
AT&T VIRUS:
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are
getting.
MCI VIRUS:
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much
for the AT&T virus.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS:
This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of
impending hard disk attack: Once, if by LAN; twice, if by C:
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS:
Never identifies itself as a "virus", but instead refers to itself
as an "electronic micro-organism".
RIGHT-TO-LIFE VIRUS:
Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how young it is.
If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a
counselor about possible alternatives.
TED TURNER VIRUS:
Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS:
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS:
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything
is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS:
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just
thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS:
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which
does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most
important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS:
Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30 percent of their
data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin
of error).
TEXAS VIRUS:
Makes sure that it is bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS:
Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS:
The computer locks up, and the screen splits in half with the same
message appearing on each side of the screen. The message says that
the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.
AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS:
You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS:
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS:
Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS:
Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self destructs;
only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across
rural America.
NIKE VIRUS:
Just does it.
SEARS VIRUS:
Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply,
and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS:
Your programs can never be found again.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS:
Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
STAR TREK VIRUS:
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS:
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a
bill for $4,500.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS:
It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs...no new files!" on the
screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard
drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional virus.
WHAT IF DR. SEUSS DID TECHNICAL WRITING?
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted
as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy
disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the
double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is
corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless
and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is
connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel
on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the
hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so
your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well
reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's
gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the
microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash
your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the
computer and be sure to tell your mom.
It seems 3 guys were travelling in a car together, an industrial
quality control expert, a hardware engineer, and a software
engineer. As they were going down a VERY steep hill, they
realized the brakes were out and they faced certain death.
The QC expert said, "no problem, we'll put together a work group,
study the problem, make a fishbone diagram and come up with
suggestions about how to solve this problem."
The hardware engineer said, "That'll take too much time, we'll DIE!!
I think I can dismantle the ignition system, find out the problem
and cross wire the brake system so we can stop the car."
The software engineer just said, What's the big deal? Instead of
getting upset, why don't we just push the car back up the hill and
see if it happens again?"
A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a
fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines,
turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains
that it's a real easy game. He explains, "I ask a question and if you
don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I
don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely
declines and tries to sleep.
The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know
the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50!"
Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The
Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth
to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer
$5.
Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer, "What goes up a hill
with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with
a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his
references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the
Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries
to return to sleep.
The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the
question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands
$5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.
| You might be an ENGINEER if... | ||
|
-If you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically. |
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Meta-Systems Documentation, Inc.
All Rights Reserved